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Hanging out with your friends and family can be pretty easy, you know them well, and in return, they know you and what you’re like in social settings. Talking to people over Messenger or WhatsApp can also be straightforward because you can take as long as you like to reply or even choose if you reply at all.
As soon as new people come into the mix or you’re around larger groups of strangers, it can be hard to find the confidence to build relationships and interact with so many different people.
If you find engaging with others sometimes daunting or want to work on your social skills beyond your usual online hangouts, here are some tips to boost your confidence!
Confidence building tips
Observe others
One of the best ways to pick up successful social skills is to watch others. Next time you’re in a social situation take mental notes on how people interact and the types of questions and reactions they use when they talk with other people. It’s good to also take note of the types of positive body language that engages people, as positive people are often very confident.
Once you’ve watched a few socially confident people talk and engage, you’ll realise that it’s not a one size fits all approach. For example, some people are socially successful because they are the life of the party. They’re extroverted and they gather a crowd with their sense of humour. Alternatively, others attract people because they are calm and excellent at listening. People who are socially skilled let their personalities shine through and make others feel comfortable.
Next time you need to put your social skills into practice, think back to how these positive, chatty, or calm people behaved and give it a try yourself.
Be curious
Focusing on yourself and your thoughts can make you feel self-conscious and awkward and increase your social anxiety. Instead, try to focus your attention outwards and concentrate on what other people are saying or doing. In short, be curious about other people. Pour your energy into figuring out what’s interesting and intriguing about the people you’re talking with.
Some ways to do that are to ask open-ended questions rather than questions that lead to a yes or no answer. Have a list of five open questions which you can weave into a conversation. They can be simple, for example, “What do you have planned for the weekend?” or “Do you have any holidays booked?” or perhaps a little more interesting, for example, “What’s the last movie you watched?” or “What’s top of your Spotify playlist at the moment?”
Be present by putting away your phone and giving whoever you’re with your undivided attention. Show them you are actively listening by leaning forward, nodding, and mirroring their body language.
Being interested in others, helps make them feel special and often that will make them more interested in you as well.
“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident, and more and more successful.”
Mark Victor Hansen
Practice makes perfect
Social skills and being confident in social settings don’t come naturally to everyone, and that’s completely okay! Sometimes building up the motivation to even attend an event can be challenging. If that’s the case for you, make a deal with yourself that you can leave after half an hour and talking to one new person. Putting yourself out there to meet new people is tough but starting small can develop your ability to ask questions and make a connection.
The more you get used to talking to new people the easier it will become and the more self-confidence you build. You might actually find that you start to feel enjoyment rather than fear in larger and more diverse situations.
Consider asking for help
If your lack of confidence and anxiety about social settings seems serious and is stopping you from living the life you want to lead, a therapist can help you understand and manage it. You might not have an anxiety disorder, but mental health professionals can help you deal with the shyness, awkwardness, and unease you may feel during social interactions. They might be able to help you change your thought patterns and guide you to approach social situations differently.